gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
