why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
