cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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