Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
