I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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