I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
