My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
