I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Randomize
