Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
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