I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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