Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I have peed in a lot of sinks
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
