Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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