So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
