I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
