Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
