i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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