Bitch is talking to much, howd u ever get her 2 shut up?
It's worth it.
How worth it?
Back door worth it
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
