I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
