If i come over, it means nothing
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
