Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
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He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
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pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
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