did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
