Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
