Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Randomize
