how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
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