i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
There r osticjed everywhere
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
