I just pynch a tree in the face
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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