I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
