So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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