Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
