I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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