She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
