Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
