Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Randomize
