I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
