It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
