If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I think I won the penis lottery.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
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