I think I won the penis lottery.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Randomize
