i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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