glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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