so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Randomize
