so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
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WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
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I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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