Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
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