I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
