Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
