I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
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