Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
i think i just naturally attract stoners
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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