Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
