wanna go halves on a baby?
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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