I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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