No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
