Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
