Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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