it's too hot outside to masturbate.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
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