There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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