Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
