dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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